I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
