Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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