Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
