MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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