I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
