dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
