Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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