I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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