I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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