I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
