I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
