my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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