Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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