Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
