If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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