Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
When are your genitals available?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
