we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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