I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
All the doctor said was why
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
