Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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