Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
