My underwear smells like fireworks.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
