Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
