My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
