I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
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