There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize