The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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