I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
