I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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