I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
