Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I need to wash the frat house off of me
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
