Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
