mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
