It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
