I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
