I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
