I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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