please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
