gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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