I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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