I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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