i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
