I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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