I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
