guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Ketchup is God's man juice
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
