guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
