Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
