Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
