just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize