I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
