dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Randomize