Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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