My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
