There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
