ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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