Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
