My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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