I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I think I won the penis lottery.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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